Aiming at the Wrong Target: What Marriage Education Gets Wrong

by Ron and Nan Deal

In our new book The Mindful Marriage, we share a story of the morning I asked my wife, Nan, if she would like to go to a concert that evening. Feeling pursued and valued, she enthusiastically said yes. I immediately felt good that she was happy. That is, until my next question. Thinking that she would love to share the experience with some close friends, I asked, “Who else could we invite?” But her posture immediately sagged, telling me she had gone from joyful to hurt. I felt inadequate; she felt unimportant. I got defensive; she got angry. The date night was ruined—in a nanosecond.

Why are relationships often so difficult and riddled with conflict? Primarily, it is because of each partners’ reactive coping mechanisms that can erode trust and love within the relationship.

Each person has a “Pain Cycle” that typically pre-exists their marriage. In The Mindful Marriage, we explain that a person’s Pain Cycle is reactive fight or flight coping behavior that originates out of perceived threat in the brain, which sabotages our ability to communicate, sacrifice, and connect intimately as partners. These neurological “ruts” of pain and poor coping are usually formed early in life and become predictable.

But modern culture—and much of the field of psychology and marriage education—suggests that when a partner becomes dysregulated triggering their Pain Cycle, it is the role of the other partner to make them feel loved and safe, so the attachment can be restored and the coping behavior will subside. For example, one misleading notion is that if you meet your spouse’s needs, he or she will act better in the marriage. If we adopt this belief, then true marital intimacy means that your partner is there to make you feel emotionally secure, confident in your place in the home and world, and physically satisfied. This standard has so infiltrated the belief system of couples that it is also the predominant driving force in most family, friend, and work relationships. If any relationship does not meet our needs or make us feel better about ourselves, we cut it off and go looking for our needs to be met elsewhere. But the biggest irony is this: If your spouse does “meet your needs,” it leaves you dependent.

Coregulation or Self-Regulation?

Being dependent on your partner to regulate your emotions or meet your needs is called emotion coregulation. Despite being the theoretical basis for much of the advice given today in marriage education, therapy, and ministry, it does not facilitate intimacy or the personal maturation of partners. Intimacy is about mutual sharing, knowing and being known, and maturing as an individual when a loving, safe relationship causes you to reflect back on strengths and weaknesses and take agency over how to intentionally grow (self-regulation).

In contrast, coregulation is one partner trying to manage the emotion dysregulation and reactive behavior of the other. “If your spouse is lonely,” we often teach, “change how you approach them, so they feel more secure in your presence.” That’s coregulation. Or another example is telling couples: “Listening is the key to your partner feeling safe with you. Learn these skills, and your spouse will not question how much you value them.” This is based on the assumption that being understood and accepted mitigates any painful narrative that has already taken root inside one’s brain—which is simply untrue.

Partnering is where two adults bind themselves together in mutual pledges of sacrifice, work, and enjoying life together side by side.

Parenting vs. Partnering

As we argue in our book, it is our belief that the idea of coregulation being the best approach to adult relationships originated with attachment research on children. The best thing for a dysregulated child, the attachment researchers tell us, is a self-regulating adult caregiver. That is true. Children, especially young children, need a trusted, loving parent to help them regulate when they can’t regulate themselves. (For example, a warm hug from a parent when a toddler falls communicates love and restores a sense of safety.) But, again, coregulation is how a parent regulates a child.

However, as we grow, maturity demands that we learn to emotionally stabilize ourselves. Emotion coregulation, while totally appropriate for children, is not a great strategy for married adults. To expect our spouse to take the place of some former parental figure who failed us is to foster dependency.

This kind of connection is much more like parenting than partnering. Partnering, on the other hand, is where two adults bind themselves together in mutual pledges of sacrifice, work, and enjoying life together side by side. Intimacy in marriage is formed by sharing and mutuality. In parenting, intimacy is limited to a one-sided relationship where the parent knows almost everything about the child, but the child is just the beneficiary of the parent’s care. This is not a good system for marriage.

The model that we recommend in a marriage is self-regulation. In a nutshell, it means reckoning with yourself in your worst moments, to bring a better self to the next moment.

Imagine two scuba divers who are partnering for a dive. They’ve chosen deep-water in the open ocean hoping to experience all the beauty of the sea and creatures below. They drop into the water, each wearing their dive vest, oxygen tank, mask, and regulator (the device in their mouth that facilitates breathing and regulates the oxygen pressure entering their lungs). But pretty quickly, both divers remove their regulator and look at the other in panic. “Help me breathe,” their eyes communicate. Because they care for each other, the partners frantically try to put their regulator into the mouth of the other, at the same time wondering, “But how will I breathe—that’s my air?” Soon, both partners are floundering in one another’s presence feverishly helping the other breathe while trying to attend to their survival needs as well.

Notice, no one is calm. No one is relaxed or feels safe. Both are panicked, and dependent, and as the situation unravels, wrapped up in one another’s hoses and devices. And no one is free to enjoy the ocean or the beauty it holds for them!

Real scuba divers, by the way, know that sharing a regulator is indeed how to save a partner’s life if oxygen runs out or their regulator fails. You can share a regulator in an emergency, but everyone is headed for the surface. There’s no depth, no peace, and no fun happening at that moment. This ultimately is where coregulation leads. It does not offer marriage a safe, deeply intimate dive.

Self-Regulation: The Primary Target

In contrast, the model that we recommend in a marriage is self-regulation. This is where I take charge of my own identity and empower myself around a sense of safety, stabilizing my emotions as an adult. Then, without being needy or demanding, I problem-solve and share with my spouse. In a nutshell, it means reckoning with yourself in your worst moments, to bring a better self to the next moment. A relationship that is based on meeting the needs of the other will always result in partners looking for a spouse—or should I say, a parent—who helps them regulate when anxious or upset. But if couples want a partnership, then they should make use of the tools of self-regulation to steward their individual emotional pain, choose how they cope with it, and in so doing, bring their best self to the relationship so they can be a true companion to their spouse.

Now, imagine our diving couple dropping into the ocean with each partner self-regulating. Each is managing the air in his or her own tank, the air pressure in the sinus cavity (every 10 feet of depth requires an adjustment), and the breathing rate. They can explore, swim at peace, and relax into the dive. Communicating through hand signals is not always convenient so if they misunderstand or disagree, each self-regulates while there is a temporary disconnect. This allows them to remain calm while they huddle and figure out their next move. Each is free to explore the beautiful ocean, contribute to the other’s experience, and touch hands as they navigate the depths that await them. Side-by-side, they dive and enjoy together.

And something else happens. Not being dependent on the other allows each to become a better diver over time. For example, one partner is able to maintain a calm, non-reactive posture even when triggered (e.g., when their partner talks over them) while the other partner learns to slow their breathing rate (e.g., in conflict to remain constructive in difficult conve